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(A waiting room. One or two patients wear casts. A Man without hands sits on small sofa. A well-dressed man with a cellular phone comes in)
WELL-DRESSED MAN
Ilene, would I do that? Have I ever done that? (He signs in at reception window) Have I ever even said that? No. said. Have I? There, you see. . . When? I did? I don't remember that. Not like that. Because I'm not remotely interested in her. Well, are you going to believe her? Ilene. Not to my face. No. I don't think so. Not to my actual face. Yeah (He begins to chuckle) Not standing within ten little inches of me. OK, nine. (HE sits down next to the HANDLESS MAN) Nine inches. Anything within nine inches. You're right, nine is plenty. Tonight, I promise. (chuckles again) I'll bring my own ruler. Yeah. (he closes phone, sighs, turns to HANDLESS MAN).
She's jealous of my fiancee. It's so ridiculous. What do they expect of me? You know what I mean?
HANDLESS MAN
I think so.
WELL
They fucking own you. I hate that. The fags have it made. They sleep with anybody and it's expected. They can't help themselves. You a fag?
HANDLESS
(shaking head) Not, ummm, gay, no.
WELL
Say, hand me one of those magazines over there would ya?
HANDLESS
Well, I. . .
WELL
Holy shit. You've got no hands.
HANDLESS
Uh no.
WELL
Jesus.
HANDLESS
So I can't.
WELL
What can I say?
HANDLESS
You don't have to--
WELL
Except that I'm glad I'm not you.
HANDLESS
Right. I understand.
WELL
You are to be pitied, sir.
HANDLESS
Well, I try to--
WELL
They probably can't do all that much for you, can they? I mean, handlessness?
HANDLESS
No, not actually.
WELL
God, wiping your butt. I mean, you can't. Say, would you mind if they took me first?
HANDLESS
Well, I've been waiting. . .
WELL
Yes, and why? It's not like there's a pill to fix your condition. They'll probably take forever with you anyway and the rest of us are going to run out of small talk out here.
HANDLESS
I have been waiting.
WELL
I swear, the good parking places aren't enough for your people, just kidding. You're here first, you're here first. This wrist thing I got will have to just wait.
HANDLESS
We all wait.
WELL
Yeah. In a way you're lucky. In an ironic way. I've got this wrist thing going. See, you don't even have the wrists, do you?
HANDLESS
No.
WELL
See, I do. Very painful.
HANDLESS
I get phantom pain.
WELL
Phantom! Shit. You don't know how lucky you are. This is real what I got.
HANDLESS
Oh?
WELL
It's a clicking. It clicks in there. During racquetball you get it. Serving. Suddenly, there's the click.
HANDLESS
Hmm.
WELL
Painful.
(HANDLESS nods politely, WELL-DRESSED MAN leans in)
Think I'm bullshitting you. I want your appointment slot? Gathering sympathy? Hey. I know it's no emergency.
HANDLESS
No.
WELL
I don't feed on sympathy like some. I'm sincere here. It's a very real clicking. You might not be able to hear it though. How's your hearing?
HANDLESS
S'fine
WELL
Good? Good hearing? (HANDLESS nods) Reason I ask is you obviously got things wrong with you. I see no hands I think what else is going on here, you know?
HANDLESS
Sure.
WELL
Or not going on. You know what I mean?
HANDLESS
Yeah
WELL
Sure?
HANDLESS
I gotta foot fungus.
WELL
Fungus?
HANDLESS
It's bad.
WELL
Bad fungus, huh?
HANDLESS
Yeah
WELL
Well, you know, you gotta keep that area clean.
HANDLESS
I know that.
WELL
Course you do.
HANDLESS
Trouble is, I can't get between the toes effectively.
WELL
Oh, right.
HANDLESS
Yup.
WELL
You lose that finger action, don't you?
HANDLESS
Yup. (pause) But my hearing is OK.
WELL
Well, listen. (HE tries to make wrist click.) Hear that?
HANDLESS
Hmm.? (HE strains to hear)
(WELL-DRESSED MAN tries wrist again, no success.)
WELL
Maybe your hearing is going, could be? (HANDLESS shrugs) I'd have it checked. Because you missed the click.
HANDLESS
Nothing would surprise me.
WELL
Government pay you off?
HANDLESS
Huh?
WELL
You know, welfare, social security, you know? How much you get for two hands?
HANDLESS
Well.
WELL
You can tell me. Believe it or not, I don't give a shit.
HANDLESS
I believe it.
WELL
Everyone's entitled. Take what's given. That's business. You're in that kind of business. I sell commercial real estate. That's my business. Sellers pay my commissions. Taxpayers carry you. Handicapped is a business like anything else. Like real estate, like sales. I'm not one of those that begrudges you a free ride. It's all a business. (beat) So you're on a fixed?
HANDLESS
Yeah.
WELL
You don't know how lucky you are. Me, I make more and more money the harder I work. So it becomes a vicious cycle.
HANDLESS
That sounds awful.
WELL
Yeah. Last month I sold a building to the Japs. Office building. My commish is almost $300,000. Now I ask, does that sound good to you?
HANDLESS
It's a good sum.
WELL
Fuckin right. But here's the crazy part. It only seems like a lot.
HANDLESS
Oh?
WELL
And even if it is a lot. You know what I do? I then have to start wondering. I say OK, there's one three hundred thousand. But where's my next three hundred thousand going to come from? And I'm losing sleep. People on minimum wage. People on fixed. They're the lucky ones.
HANDLESS
You could save it.
WELL
Huh?
HANDLESS
Invest it.
WELL
What, for, like, retirement?
HANDLESS
Well--
WELL
Don't make me laugh. Saving is meaningless today unless you can save, like, a million. Money doesn't even matter unless you're up in the millions. A few hundred thousand in a savings account. What the hell can you do with that? Spend it? You spend it and it's spent. You just go on doing what you're doing. It's all business.
HANDLESS
I guess you're right.
WELL
Of course.
HANDLESS
I never thought of it that way.
WELL
Business, whether you're real estate, sales, medicine.
HANDLESS
Like orthopedics.
WELL
Exactly. Orthopedics. Gynecology is business. B.A.-Da-boom. That's a business.
HANDLESS
Yeah. (pause, wistful) You need excellent hands though.
WELL
Excellent hands. You can't fool the ladies. They know the piano players from the bongo drummers. It's all business.
HANDLESS
Yup.
WELL
Actually, I can't believe gynecology is all business.
HANDLESS
Me neither. (giggles, shyly)
WELL
How can it be? You're going to tell me Marilyn Monroe drops her panties and hits the stirrups it's going to be the same thing as that receptionist over there?
HANDLESS
Which one?
WELL
There's two?
HANDLESS
There was a cute one there.
WELL (
gets up, goes over and points) I mean this one. She's way past it. (returns)
HANDLESS
Well, it could be a female gynecologist.
WELL
Oh, right. And that is supposed to be normal? A woman fondling another woman's twat? Are you fucking kidding me? (He leans out toward a woman who has stayed behind her magazine.) Miss, Lady, whatever you are back there. Yoo Hoo, Babe.
(A WOMAN looks up)
WELL
Are you hearing any of this?
WOMAN
Every word.
WELL
I can always pick the eavesdroppers. I got radar.
WOMAN
There's a question coming?
WELL
Yeah. There's a question. We need a woman's point of view. Ironic. Gynecologists. . . man. . . woman. Which do you prefer?
WOMAN
The better one.
WELL
(triumphantly) See, like I said. They prefer the man. Unless they're dykes themselves. It's disgusting, lesbians. Unless you're just paying to watch'em. Thank you, Ma'am. (sotto voce to HANDLESS) Wham bam.
HANDLESS
I hope it's not too much longer.
WELL
Hey, don't complain. My time is actual money. You earn on the fucking toilet doing nothing. Handicapped. Everything is business.
WOMAN (
to HANDLESS) Sir, would you like to read a magazine? I'll open it and turn the pages for you.
WELL
Thank you, no. I've got a bit of a headache.
(PAUSE)
WELL
(whispers) What a dork you are.
HANDLESS
Pardon?
WELL
She wanted you.
HANDLESS
Excuse me?
WELL I
have to spell it? She felt sorry for you. You could have taken her into the rest room. My doctor quiz got her hot. Jeez. It's so obvious.
HANDLESS
You are a most perceptive man.
WELL
Hey.
HANDLESS
But you miss one detail.
WELL
Yeah?
HANDLESS
She would have charged me for it.
WELL
A pro?
HANDLESS
She sees these stumps. I'm no mystery. She knows I'm at the head of the trough. Subsidized apartment. Social worker visits to help out. I got money up the wazoo. How'm I going to spend it? I can't even get my wallet out.
WELL
Yeah?
HANDLESS
Like you say. It's a business. Everything.
WELL
Yeah. Like real estate.
HANDLESS
Like real estate, like professional sports, like kidnapping and selling children.
WELL
Hmm.
HANDLESS
Oh yeah, and she's in the business world, too. And you know what she's selling?
WELL
Huh?
HANDLESS
Sympathy. What you and I don't want.
WELL
Yeah.
HANDLESS
You think I'd want any of that? Do you?
WELL
I don't know.
HANDLESS
I don't want that sympathy. I don't want her wiping my butt. I
don't want you wiping my ass, Lady. (WOMAN gets up and stalks out.
HANDLESS screams at door) I'd rather sit here in a pile of my own shit.
than that! I'd rather sit here in a pile of my own shit.! That's what
I'd rather do! (pause, HANDLESS turns back to WELL-DRESSED MAN). And
That's why I much prefer to sit here and talk to you.
